I haven’t posted on here in AGES, and it’s mostly because I have been in such a bad mood lately about my infertility. I started this blog as kind of a digital diary. A place I could come to in a few years (after I’d hopefully conceived successfully) and reflect on everything it took to get me to where I was the day I would read this. When you go through something as traumatic as infertility, it’s really easy to push things away and block things out. I always regret not blogging throughout our first round of treatments. It was a very lonely time and blogging, if anything, has really opened up a whole new amazing and supportive community for me. I would have liked to have had some support during that time from people who would’ve understood what I was going through.
This blog has always been a place to express myself and to be honest with myself and the few people who follow it, but lately, I haven’t wanted to blog because I am just feeling so negative about everything. And that has been a big change for me because I really do feel like I was in such a good place for a while. I was feeling motivated and determined and actually hopeful. But I have not felt that way for almost a month now. In fact, I feel like I am getting worse.
I actually can’t stand to be around people and their kids right now. How horrible is that? I love kids! I’m a teacher. I can’t wait to have kids of my own. But I really can’t stand being around parents, or people who have children. I actually caught myself sneaking around Walmart the other night to avoid speaking to someone I know because she had her baby with her. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to say hello. I have nothing against her. I just knew at one point I’d have to acknowledge the baby and say something like “wow, he’s so beautiful.” They’d say thank you and then there would come the awkward silence. The awkward silence ALL parents give me because they know. They know I can’t have kids. They have nothing to reciprocate. I don’t have a baby to compliment. I don’t exist on their level. And that is really how I’ve been feeling lately. I really feel like I can’t connect with the people in my life who have kids. I feel like I’ve been labelled as “childless” and that’s that. I don’t know what it’s like to be a parent and therefore, I’m not a part of the club.
So I find myself avoiding these people to avoid those awkward interactions. I’m so tired of them. I think it’s just the headspace I am in right now. I am feeling very protective of my feelings and my heart. I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing but I would eventually like to be in a space where those interactions don’t feel so awkward. Perhaps even in a space where they feel a little empowering.
I just wanted to be honest on here and document how I feel at this moment. I think it’s important to reflect on the bad days too. Bad days are inevitable and sometimes they turn in to a bad month. I think recognizing that this is just a bad time in my life and that it will pass is good. I know it’s not permanent. I know I’ll feel better about things soon enough, but I am going to allow myself to avoid those people and those sometimes painful interactions.
So if you see me creeping around the aisles in Walmart, know you know why.